Saturday, February 21, 2009

i cannot sleep.

and this is because well...

well frankly this is not for you. this is for him. and this will be the truth.

here is me being honest with you.


the truth is that.I like you.
and no it isn't because of them or what they say or what they suggest.
it is because of you. the way you are. and the way I am when I'm with you.
the way i find myself looking forward to waking up early the next day
so that I can spend every moment I have on that day being with you.
riding with you. laughing with you. talking with you.
singing with you. everything with you.

because you may not know it...
but the safest place I feel I'm at is when I'm standing or sitting or
doing whatever it is we do
is right there... right next to you.
I feel so trapped within myself that I cannot just run to you with arms
wide open and end it with an embrace --

no, not a hug...
an embrace that I'm wishing would last forever.
I like you.
I know I don't even show it. but it's difficult for me to show it.
It's easier for me to deny my feelings and pretend you are just a friend to me.
I'm afraid to show it... not because of what they would think
but more what you would think if I did.

I'm scared to find out the real answer from you.
I'm scared that when I do you could potentially inflict on me
a tremendous amount of pain...
because I'm telling you now- you could.
And I am not ready for that. not yet. you have to know that
I am more vulnerable to you that I let on.

It's unfair to you I know... since you put in a lot of conscious
effort into letting me know how much you care.

you despite of myself treat me so well that I feel that I don't deserve it.
but you may think otherwise.

why did you decide to change your mind now?
you do not deserve someone like me right now---
i'm in pieces and I cannot let you put me back together.
I owe that task to myself.
and that's not fair on you at all.

you deserve someone who has got herself together - me 4 months ago.
but things have changed and I am no longer that girl.
so now that you know...

would you wait for me to come back?

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